Legion, directed by Scott Charles Stewart (Ashlyn)

I went to see Legion in theaters for it's midnight release. My movie ticket cost $10.50, and I was excited enough to bring a friend along and pay their way as well. I want those two hours of my life back even more than the $21.00 I wasted.

The plot asks us to believe many things, and sometimes it simply asks too much. We are told that these demonic creatures are attacking humans because God is disappointed in people and has decided to eradicate the entire race. This goes directly against Christian lore, as the Bible claims God will never try to end humanity again after that whole thing with Noah and his ark. I'm guessing the writer just didn't do his homework there. And why are the angels possessing people? Just for a bit of fun? Most of all though, I couldn't believe that God- The Almighty, The Creator- couldn't figure out how to get past this gang of stereotypes. This “God” is getting his metaphysical booty kicked by a bunch of dumbasses.

This film seemed to have everything it needed for success: all of humanity in peril, the ever-beautiful Paul Bettany, a director boasting visual credits from Sin City and Jurassic Park, angels sword fighting, and various other Bible-related allegories. What we got was a lead actor who could not seem to close his mouth when he wasn't spouting nonsense in the Joseph role, a kinda slutty Mary, Dennis Quaid paying his mortgage, and a host of talking bodies fulfilling the need for demon-fodder. The plodding plotline is uneven and, for the most part, actually pretty boring. The fight between two archangels should be epic, but it doesn't even make it to entertaining. It leaves you feeling the same way you would if your guy friend, who has always bragged about how good he is in bed, finally convinces you to come home with him after that last mixed drink, and three minutes after you've entered his bedroom he's asleep: that was it?

If you like Dennis Quaid, go watch Far From Heaven, or Smart People, or even the '98 remake of The Parent Trap. If you like Lucas Black, get Sling Blade or Jarhead. If you like Tyrese, go buy his albums. Adrianne Palicki has been in a host of great television shows, and Charles S Dutton has probably made 80 movies better than this one. Paul Bettany must be friends with this guy. And, if you are either a sucker for an underdog or Scott Stewart's mother, you can watch Priest, another religious sci-fi action flick starring Bettany. Thankfully, something in Stewart's two years away from directing helped him make Priest a film superior to Legion in every way.